Not Afraid Anymore - How To Be Sexually Confident?

When people think of sexual confidence, it’s common to think of someone who has a killer body and knows what to do in bed. But sexual confidence doesn’t come from your bra size or how many partners you’ve had.

Sexual confidence means different things to different people — but at its heart, it means you feel comfortable in your body, you know you deserve pleasure, and you’re not afraid to communicate what you want.

What Does it Mean to Be Sexually Confident?

What Does it Mean to Be Sexually Confident

What is sexual confidence? It is a feeling that comes from a deep-seated realization of your worth. When you’re sexually confident, you feel good about your body — even if it’s not the body of a lingerie model. You know that you’re entitled to feel pleasure and joy. 

You’re able to talk freely about what you like and don’t like sexually. You can listen to and respect the needs and desires of your partner. When you’re sexually confident, you’re able to set and accept boundaries.

Why Is It So Difficult to Be Sexually Confident in Today’s Society?

Our society is overwhelmingly sex-negative. It tells us constantly that sex is nasty and dirty. We are constantly bombarded with images of unrealistic body standards that make us feel worse about ourselves. People with gender expressions, skin, and bodies that don’t fit the mainstream ideal are made to feel wrong or inadequate. 

At the same time, we’re paradoxically told to be sexually confident and bold in the bedroom. These contradictory messages lead to feelings of shame and insecurity. 

How Many People Suffer from Lack of Sexual Confidence?

According to one sex educator, most people lack sexual confidence. There are many reasons people don’t feel sexually confident, including:

  • Lack of sexual information. To get good at something, you have to educate yourself about it and develop skills.

  • The media gives you unrealistic body standards. We can’t all look like supermodels. Supermodels don’t even look like supermodels before they’re professionally made up and airbrushed.

  • It can be hard to ask for what you want. If you’re shot down or made to feel weird for expressing your vulnerability, that can make it even harder to retake a chance.

  • You have no way to compare your sexual skills. Pornography can give you or your partner an unrealistic view of what it means to be good at sex. 

What Can Sexual Confidence Look Like for Different People?

What Can Sexual Confidence Look Like for Different People

Sexual confidence will be different for everyone. Women are constantly bombarded with messages shaming them for being too sexual or not sexual enough. It’s a double standard and can be confusing and dangerous for women trying to claim sexual power. You need to figure out what sexual confidence means for you. 

How can men and women learn how to feel sexually confident? Some tips on how to boost your sexual confidence outside of the bedroom include:

  • Hone your senses. Pay attention to what delights all of your reasons — including things that taste, feel, and smell decadent.

  • Push your boundaries. Experiment with your fantasies. While you may not want to explore all of them, thinking about the extreme fantasies can help you decide what you’re interested in trying in real life.

  • Find erotic role models. Don’t just look to mainstream sex idols. Think about crossing gender lines. What do you find sexy or compelling about them? Consider how you can add a bit of their spark to your life.

  • Be intentional with your body. Think about how you move through life. Taking Pilates or dance classes can help you explore and define how you move throughout the day. 

What Are Tips That Can Help Anyone Learn How to Be Sexually Confident?

If you’re interested in learning how to become more sexually confident, you should understand that it comes from a place of spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional balance. Confidence in the bedroom begins with confidence outside the bedroom. The more confidence you have in yourself, the more sexual confidence you’ll have. Try to do the following:

  • Spend some time getting to know yourself. Masturbate with just your imagination. Limiting external images will give you a chance to understand yourself and what pleases you. It’s easier to communicate what you want when you know what it is.

  • Talk to your partner about what you enjoy in bed. You should communicate with your partner without fear of shame or judgment. If you can’t be open with them about your sexuality, they may not be the best partner for you.

  • Make a list of what you enjoy and what your boundaries are. It may be easier to create boundaries before you’re in a situation where you need to set them. 

Start by loving yourself. Until your relationship with yourself is correct, it won’t matter your relationships with others. You have to believe you are worthy before conveying that to others. 

Will Sexual Confidence Lead to Better Sex?

What Can Sexual Confidence Look Like for Different People

Becoming more sexually confident will naturally lead to better sex. When you improve sexual confidence, you learn to express your desires. You’ll also be more able to listen to your partner’s wants too. By practicing mindfulness and being fully present in your sexual experiences, you can bring yourself back to the moment.  

True sexual confidence can also prevent you from making some sexual mistakes that can be devastating, including:

  • You were having sex for the wrong reasons. If you lack confidence, you may feel that sex is all you have to offer.

  • Over sexualization. If you internalize society’s message that it’s your purpose to be sexually appealing, you may get your self-worth from your sexual performance.
     
  • You were basing your esteem on external factors. If you seek validation from others instead of yourself, you put your self-worth in someone else’s hands. 

What Are Some Books and Resources to Help With Sexual Confidence?

There are a lot of resources that can help show you how to feel sexually confident. Some of the top-rated books include:

  • Come as You Are (The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life) by Emily Nagoski

  • Feel Sexy Again: The Ultimate Guide to Reclaiming Your Sexual Confidence by Erica Lemke-Pembroke

  • The Self Confidence Workbook: A Guide to Overcoming Self-Doubt and Improving Self-Esteem by Barbara Markway Ph.D. 

Suppose you have some more profound underlying trauma or other issues affecting your ability to develop your self-confidence or sexual confidence. In that case, you may benefit from seeking help from a therapist or sexologist.

Ready to Work on Becoming More Sexually Confident?

Becoming More Sexually Confident

Growing up in today’s society — with all of the mixed messages about sex surrounding you daily — having some sense of sexual shame is inevitable. To overcome this and fully be sexually confident, you have to switch your mindset to sex-positivity. It can be not easy if you’re not familiar with thinking of yourself and your needs. 

Despite what you may have been taught, owning your power and sexuality isn’t selfish or arrogant. You deserve to experience pleasure and to feel confident in your body.

References:

How to feel sexually confident, especially if you’re struggling with body image. (April 2020). ABC Everyday.

Want to Feel More Confident in the Bedroom? Start with This. (December 2019). Psychology Today. 

5 Reasons Why Most People Lack Sexual Confidence. (February 2014). Amy Jo Goddard.

5 Ways to Be More Sexual—Even When You’re Not in Bed. (November 2018). Health.

The Easy Way To Gain Confidence In Bed. (March 2017). Bustle.

5 Ways Your Self-Esteem Impacts Your Sexuality. (July 2020). Amy Jo Goddard.

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